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Our LDR went from being fine to him saying he couldn't do it anymore

Tagged as: Breaking up, Long distance, Troubled relationships<< Previous question ? Next question >>
Question - (23 September 2021) 6 Answers - (Newest, 25 September 2021)
A female United States age 30-35, *ruthplease writes:咪乐|直播|第七下载 作者:指点江山;图片来自网络;欢迎参与文尾神侃话题在国人印象中,印度一直被冠有“开挂民族”这一称号。

I started a long distance relationship in June 2021 I am in northern california and he is in southern. We had met through a gathering at a restaurant in LA when I was down there in April 2021. We started talking often and right when we decided to see eachother he got COVID19 in June so instead we facetimed every single day for a month until he got better and I went down to see him for the first weekend we spent together at his place in July. From that weekend we felt intense chemistry and like we had known eachother all of our lives. On the second day things between us were so good he said "i love you" and although I was surprised I felt it too and I said it back. We then proceeded to see eachother every other weekend and I even went and spent an entire week with him in August. We discussed marriage and the future and kids and wanting the same things in life. He introduced me to his family and I introduced him to mine. He had been divorced in March of 2020 and told me his ex wife was an alcoholic and that was the reason for the divorce and that he had healed from it long before we met and that he was ready for a serious relationship. He told me he never does long distance but since he met me he realizes I am different than anyone he has ever met and he has never felt this way about anyone else in his entire life and that he did not know a love like this was possible or existed. We had no problems he always treated me with utmost respect and kindness, and reminded me daily that I would one day be his wife and his forever partner. Then 2 weeks ago one weekend we went through a couple bad life events (his sister went to hospital for a surgery, our car broke down on side of rode in 113 degree weather for a couple hours while we were on vacation, we got a tow that should have taken 3 hours back to town but it took 13 because of wildfires) and the whole time I was by his side and helping him out. At the end of those events we said to eachother what a wonderful couple we are because we made it through all that without fighting and stronger as a couple. Then one day after I was flying back to northern california and he was going to drop me off to the airport. On the airport ride he said something to me to trigger my emotions about our long distance relationship (i was exhausted, pmsing, and just drained from the weekend) so I got emotional shed some tears then he consoled me and said everything is going to be ok and eventually we will be together and move to the same area and I should not worry. Then when I got in the airplane I for some reason was still emotional and when I got home I confronted him about it on the phone and all of a sudden out of no where he goes "I can't do this anymore, this is too much drama, I can't do this now and definitely can't do this forever" and he wants to break up. I did everything I could to tell him I was sorry I was just tired and having a bad day then he goes well I was tired too why didn't I treat you that way. I told him what about forever and all the stuff you have been telling me the last 3 months and we are close to eachothers families and all the love we shared etc. He says he still loves me but it is not going to work. The next day he tells me he stayed up that night till 3:30am thinking of our relationship and it just won't work. There was nothing I could do to convince him to even give me a chance he kept saying "I love you, it just doesn't feel right anymore" and I said well let me make it right we have this amazing bond let's not throw it away and he said he could not do something that didn't feel right. I am devastated how something could go from 100 to 0 in the matter of an instant and I am sitting here a week after the breakup in shock and pain over losing who I thought was the love of my life in the matter of seconds.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2021):

Let us re write this as it really is. You started to get to know someone a few months ago. It was not a relationship, it was too new to be called that. It was not even a good friendship as you did not know the person. You threw everything into it lock stock and barrel - silly. You poured all of your emotions into it - silly. You poured all of your dreams and hopes into it - silly. A sensible person takes it cautiously and slowly and keeps their other options open. They continue to look out for other possible mates, they date other people if another suitable person comes along.

It takes time to be sure that someone is the one. It takes time and wisdom. You put in neither.

For all you know this guy had a wife or girlfriend that he had not told you about. For all you know he was pining for an ex that he had not told you about. All deal breakers. You don't just trust someone like that, you get to know them slowly to make sure.

If you jump into having sex with them quickly - whether in person or online - more fool you. But that does not mean they love you or are telling you the truth or serious or committed, simply that you are allowing them to enjoy your body.

I come across a lot of women who make this mistake of saying they are in a relationship online - I work as a therapist. They all fail to open their eyes and see the other person and the situation for what it really is, and then want to moan or cry about it after. Yet they had every opportunity to see it at the time and nobody else could have done it for them.

You may well have fallen in love with the idea of love, rather than the person, or their looks, it happens all of the time. But most people are self aware enough to realise this and allow for it.

It worries me that you are so quick to give your heart to a total stranger. It is not normal and it will bring you many problems , not just now but in the future.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2021):

Three months is not a relationship. Grow up. It is someone starting to find out about someone else and getting to know them, it is not even a friendship at that stage. It happens in stages and takes time - you cannot go from we have just met to we are not in a serious committed monogamous relationship, that is what school kids do. When they kid themselves that their crush loves them. It is naive and dumb to throw everything into the pot with someone who you do not know, instead of continuing to look out for and date local people too. Someone should get to know you and earn the right to be the one and only, not get it instantly at the start.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE?United States?+??, writes (24 September 2021):

This was a 3-month LDR???

Girlfriend, you gave him full-throttle drama queen!

You win the Emmy for the best daytime-drama actress award! You can't be all that weepy and emotional over a relationship that has barely had time to dry! You hardly know him! Intense chemistry, like you've had each-other all your lives?!! All this online??? What?!!

My dear, he did you a huge favor. He set you free before you hurt yourself, or drove him nuts! You've compacted the drama of a five-year full-fledged relationship into the span of 90-days! Not to mention the dude had a moving-van full of baggage of his own to-boot!

All that emotion would come across as a bit emotionally-unstable. You have to get a grip on that.

Give yourself some time to compose yourself. You can't come across that desperate (or melodramatic); if you want a guy to stick around. That guy just went through a divorce. Drama and a part in a live soap-opera is the last thing he needs! Oh my!

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious?United Kingdom?+??, writes (23 September 2021):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIn my experience, relationships which go from zero to 100 very quickly (like yours did) often end the same way, but in reverse, because (a) the "love" is built on a fantasy and (b) there is no true substance to them. As soon as anything does not fit in with the fantasy created by one or both parties, the whole concept falls apart. It is no longer "perfect" and, because the parties involved don't have extensive history, the relationship is not deemed to be worth fight fighting for. It's almost like an "easy come, easy go" scenario. No work was put into building foundations for the relationship, so the first "earthquake" will shake the whole structure to the ground and the relationship will be "beyond economical repair".

You are grieving the loss of the man you thought he was, not the man he turned out to be. Keep reminding yourself of that. It will obviously take time to get over your loss, as you are also grieving the loss of a future you believed you had together. However, you WILL get over it. What you need to do is learn the lesson and not repeat the mistake with anyone else. Next time, take your time to truly get to know the person and to build your relationship on sturdy foundations which will withstand the odd wobble.

Chin up. You can do this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2021):

I think he lied to you all along. He never meant for it to get serious as he did not think you would be a casual sex type of a partner and sold you all this bullshit to get sex and a little escape for awhile until things got too real. Once the shine wore off, he decided to end it. He knew all along he would end it. He was not ready for a serious relationship. His marriage ended only a year ago. He wanted (and still wants) to play the field. He is a cruel human being and I am sorry you were his victim. Time to move on. You can do better. Hugs.

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A female reader, Honeypie?United States?+??, writes (23 September 2021):

Honeypie agony auntFirst of all, OP

SLOW you roll!!! Your LDR started in June this year! You can not fast-track a relationship! you can not KNOW a person in 3 months well enough to LOVE then let alone considering marriage! That is unrealistic!

He had ONLY been divorced for a year. It can be ample time to move forward but for him to RUSH into "I love you" and talk of marriage is ridiculous.

From what it looks like (from my view and from what you write) it seems like he love-bombed you a bit. He went all out in trying to showboat himself as the greatest catch ever. And when he saw you having a "mini meltdown"

he decided that NOPE this was not something he was willing to deal with. The FIRST time he saw you show him an "emotional" side of you, he NOPED out. That CLEARLY shows that his feelings for you were NOT that of LOVE but loneliness, infatuation, and a whole lot of fantasy.

"On the airport ride he said something to me to trigger my emotions about our long distance relationship"

I don't think he "meant" to "trigger" an emotional response but when he got one his infatuation with you went from 100 to 0. You were no longer "perfect" and he wants/expects perfection.

OP, It's better that you know NOW (only 3 months in) that this isn't going to work out. Better than right after one of you move to the other side of the State, right?

My advice?

1. don't do LDR's.

2. Slow you roll 99%. You might FEEL hugely infatuated and in LUST with someone but THAT isn't LOVE. No after 2-3 months. LOVE is NOT instantaneous. Infatuation IS. And while it can BUILD from infatuation to love, THAT takes time.

3. If someone talks about love, marriage, and living together after 2-3 months they are living in a fantasy and YOU will NEVER be able to live up to the fantasy (of yourself) that they have built. Ever.

4. I think HE LOVED the idea of being in a relationship with you. (or someone) The FANTASY of having a "perfect" partner and relationship where the two of them "ride off into the sunset" but fantasy is NOT reality.

5. Lastly, I don't think he is entirely over his broken marriage. I think the fact that his wife turned out to be an alcoholic and it ended, might make him think that he IS NOT good at picking the "right" woman. So he does this LDR dating because it is MUCH easier to end it, and run away if things get "dicey".

He wasn't the LOVE of your life. He was a POTENTIAL love of your life. Accept that, BLOCK all access and DELETE all his contact info and move on. Find someone local and take it WAYYYYYYYYYYYY slow.

I know it's EASY to get caught up in the "feelings" and "euphoric" when you think you have found "THE One" but if you don't keep your feet on the ground you will end up deflated and disappointed like an old ballon.

Chin up. LEARN from this.

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